Pain Relief the AA Way

January 3, 2008 in 12 Steps to ...where?

There used to be a commercial on here in the States that reminded me of my ex sponsor. The actor in the ad plays a doctor on TV. It was obvious why advertising company picked him. He was a well liked, trusted doctor on the TV show that he played in. In trying to pitch their product they probably couldn’t get a real doctor to speak so highly of their pain reliever, so they picked the next best thing, an actor who played a doctor. His famous line was “I’m Not a Doctor but I Play one on TV.” HUH? What relevance does that have to his knowledge of the subject of pain relief? My sponsor was an actor (really) who played a doctor in AA.

When I met my sponsor I was pretty beat up and depressed. I had just had a baby and was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression. I was given Prozac (the wonder drug of its day) and within 3 weeks my depression lifted and I stopped drinking. We had been working together on the steps for about 2 months when I decided to tell her that I was taking Prozac. I thought her jaw might fall off it fell so far down her pretty little face. She said “You haven’t been hearing the message.” She stated that we had wasted all sorts of time because I was taking “drugs.” She said very clearly that she could no longer work with me if I continued to take drugs. I was devastated. Here I thought things were going well. I was feeling good, seeing my sponsor once a week, working the steps. I thought wow, I really screwed up. My sponsor then proceeded to print out terrible, frightening stories about the horrors of Prozac. She left me with them to read, and told me to call her with my decision. She also left me with the fear that if I continued to take the drug and leave her I would probably drink again.

I left her home terrified, a shaking, blubbering mess. I read the articles and decided that no, I didn’t want to committ suicide (the articles were mainly stating how Prozac raised the suicide rate in users). I was also terriably afraid of losing her as my sponsor. I credited her with my sobriety. She spent hours every week with me, on the phone, in person. She was my saviour. I could not risk losing her. I was scared.

I stopped the Prozac. I weaned off of it myself, without my doctors knowledge. Within weeks I was back on the treadmill…..drinking, depressed and going nowhere. My sponsor was there for me though, oh yes, we worked those steps, she took me to meetings. I did service work…..and I couldn’t stay sober. I never attributed my relapses to quitting the Prozac. I truly believed my sponsor that the reason I drank was BECAUSE of the Prozac, that I hadn’t been getting the message of AA all that time we spent working together in the beginning.

Today I know better. The only treadmill I am on is the one in my basement that I work out on every day.

My sponsor-doctor? I fired her a few years back, she never forgave me for that. I can never forgive her for almost killing me. Is that a resentment? You betcha, but I sure as hell won’t drink over it today!